on relationships and breakups

Note: this is something I wrote about a year ago, after my first relationship went 'kaput'. I thought I'd find it and re-post it here, because, eh, why not.

Okay, yeah, so this topic has been done. And done and done and done; driven into the ground and beaten half to death with power ballads and soft songs of heartbreak left to rot on record players; thrown into the ditch by the wayside; spat upon and dusted with dirt.

And why?

Because they keep happening. And they always will. For as long as the world turns, as long as people make goo-goo eyes at one another and whisper secrets and partake in shiny escapades of pillow-talk just shy of 2am, people will have breakups.

Fall in love, like someone, share a heartbeat and mingled breaths; break hearts.

Not always, mind you; sometimes it works out. But this post isn’t about when it works out. It’s about the opposite, and how bloody unnatural a breakup feels—even if it’s as common as dandelions and Beiber fangirls.

So, I just had my first boyfriend—and, consequently, my first break up, in a period just shy of three months. 

And, I gotta say—feels bad, man, feels bad. And weird. 

Because, if you stop to think about it, what is a relationship? And I don’t mean just the non-platonic kind. Friendship, family, boyfriend/girlfriend, co-worker, sworn enemy, etc, those are all relationships. But what is a relationship?

According to dictionary.com, a relationship is:

noun

1.

a connection, association, or involvement.

2.

connection between persons by blood or marriage.

3.

an emotional or other connection between people: therelationship between teachers and students.

4.

a sexual involvement; affair.

And that’s copy-paste, in case you couldn’t tell (sorry internet). So that’s the dictionary definition. And I’d say the first definition is the most accurate, in terms of general relations. 

But, and this is purely my understanding, I would say a relationship is the act of making someone a part of your life; depending on the seriousness of the connection and type of relationship, you may even arrange aspects of life to accommodate said person into your schedule and available time not already filled with work, school, what have you. You carve this niche into the jigsaw that is your persona, your life, and you make a spot where they fit—if, once again, it’s a large and impacting enough connection. Now, I’d say boyfriend/girlfriend is definitely one of these.

So, anyways, you make this spot for them, they fill it, and life goes on. You have fun, you have some laughs, some cries, some whatever and some amazing moments. You make memories, learn new things, and maybe have some new experiences. You make time for them, they make time for you and, in the case of most non-platonic relationships, you better one another. There aren’t always good times, there’s stuff that’s not so great; you work through it; live and learn.

But, sometimes, things happen that just aren’t fixable; can’t be excused and forgiven, or overlooked. 

And that’s when it happens: the breakup.

And, thinking over my own these last few days, even though the relationship was short, and the ending mostly mutual and more or less a clean break, to me, at least, it seems unnatural and weird.

You expend all this effort to make someone fit into your life, shape things around them, and then they’re just gone. I think that’s partly why it hurts still, even after accepting the fact that it’s done. Because they leave this weird, fitted shape behind that’s just gaping somewhere in your jigsaw puzzle world, and now there’s nothing to fill it. It’s like a train wreck; you can’t look away, even though you know you shouldn’t be staring at it like it’s some new form of life.

Even after you get over the assault of good memories (because they always creep in and try to overtake the bad ones, the reasons you broke up in the first place, sneaky buggers), and get past the idea that you and them will never make new memories, even when you know you’re going to be okay, that it’s obviously notthe end of the world, it’s still there.

That weird gap.

As my friend said (yeah, Tommy, that’s you, holla): ”That’s why it is not proper to go from a break up to a relationship without a break in between. You use the break to fill the gap the best you can. And once you find that one person, they fix the gap properly.”

But it’s still so bloody disorienting, to be honest. Now, I ain’t saying I’m a relationship or people expert; definitely far from it (like, the solar system far). But, remember; there are roughly 6.6 BILLION people on this world. Not every single one is going to fit into that missing spot of the puzzle, but I can guarantee you that, for everyone out there, there’s a few missing pieces floating around, just waiting for the right fit; waiting for you.

So, yeah, relationships are hard, and breakups are uncomfortably painful in oddly internal ways, but I’d say it’s all worth it, right? It’s worth working for that moment; for that connection; for finding the person that just fits.