Guest Post- Love is Not Finite: On Abstinence-Only Education Scare Tactics

This was written by an irl friend of mine at my request for a guest blog post. You can find her here

I highly reccommend following/checking out her blog, as it's absolutely brilliant, and her writing, as you'll see in the following, is pure dynamite.


A teacher stands at the head of a classroom full of fidgety, giggly high schoolers. The sexual education class is well underway, and the teacher has just finished a very scientific-sounding lecture on how the chemicals in the brain that are released during sex can become addictive. The word ‘addictive’ is meant as a metaphor, though she doesn’t say that. Nor does she discuss how the same thing can happen during eating, or singing, or any other pleasurable activity. The class is wound up from repeated use of sex words that are hilarious in their naiveté, and she has to work to get their attention again.

“We are going to play a sort of game!” she says enthusiastically, and the class goes quiet at the word ‘game’. She reaches behind the desk and pulls out a beautiful, tall red rose. “Look how beautiful this rose is! Everyone will pass this around and pull off a petal.” The class obeys, demolishing the rose within a few minutes. The teacher takes it from the last student and holds up the bare stem. “Before, the rose represented a pure, beautiful virgin. Now it’s all used up. It has nothing left to give. It doesn’t have any more value.”

The rose obviously represents a female virgin. I mean, how many flowers are stereotypically used to represent males? This is a standard ‘game’ in the abstinence-only curriculum, and you may have heard of others: Mint for Marriage, the tape game, the spit game. They all have the same purpose: to push the poisonous concept that sex is dirty and wrong and it devalues you a little more every time you have it. Especially if you’re a woman. And there is absolutely nothing positive on homosexual intercourse, or the many different sexualities, or what to do if you’re struggling with your sexuality.

There are so, so many problems with abstinence-only education. Lack of decision-making discussion, zero safety/contraception options, slut-shaming. They stick completely to religion and totally devalue science, saying that birth control pills cause abortions and other even more ridiculous myths. This education—though I have a hard time calling anything that spreads false information ‘education’—is wrong, damaging, and attempts to scare teens away from any kind of sexual contact. Except it doesn’t work.

Areas in which abstinence-only education is predominant have higher abortion rates and higher STD rates. Teenagers are going to have sex, and scaring them about contraception is not the way to go about stopping it. It’s been shown that birth rates are higher and condom use rates are lower. The CDC put out a particularly chilling report: 1 in 4 teenage girls has or has had an STD. Why? Because they don’t have the tools to be safe, but they’re having sex anyway simply because they weren’t taught any better.

Their tactics are basically to cause shame and fear and guilt about anything sexual, that sexual value is finite. If you’re a woman, you quickly become ‘used up.’ You don’t ‘have anything more to give.’ There’s this idea that people—women especially—have a finite amount of love or pleasure to give and that’s just not true. Love cannot be measured. It is too liquid, too changing. My love for my boyfriend is completely different than my love for my friends, which is completely different than my love for my family, which is completely different than my love for my pets, which is completely different than my love for this whole damn planet. All those loves cannot be measured and compared against each other. The idea that love has a limit is insulting and shallow. But hey, these are the people who used to recommend that young people who have had sex should wash their genitals in Lysol to keep from getting dirty. Pretty much nothing they say has much value and their lessons insult intelligence.

My love is not finite. I am not used up because I am sexually active. I am not worth less than the virgin next to me just because I have been with a couple of people and he or she hasn’t. Sex can be fun, intimate, good exercise. It is not dirty. It does not take something from you. You do not “give something up.” You share a close part of yourself in a very intimate way that can be scary sometimes, but if you have the knowledge and the tools to be safe and have a good time, that’s amazing and you go have a good time. If you have the knowledge and the tools to say “I’m just not ready yet”, that’s also amazing and you go have a good time doing whatever the hell you want.

But we need to educate our teens. Like, educate them properly, about STDs and contraception and sexuality and how some things you may want to do might seem a little strange but they’re perfectly okay and definitely about how consent should be enthusiastic and ongoing. Allow them to make an informed, safe choice on their own. It’s their body, and you don’t get to make that choice. Give them the right information. Trust them.

irony in the world of misogyny

I find it very ironic that the guys who expect women to just sleep with them, that believe women are obligated to sleep with them, are the same guys who label these same women 'sluts' or 'whores' for, are you ready for this?

sleeping with them.

I mean... really? so you have some men who are bitching at women who won't sleep with them, making them feel bad, calling them prudes (believe me, I've been there. I was once called a lesbian because I didn't want to sleep with this one guy, which I really didn't understand. pretty sure lesbians have sex if and when they want, and how is being a lesbian an insult? I was very confused, but anyways), and what have you. and then, when women do sleep with them or other men, suddenly they're whores/sluts?

there's that whole saying that when men have sex with a girl, they're 'heroes', and if a woman has sex with a guy, she's 'easy', she's 'giving it away', etc., and why the hell is that the case?

it's 2013, for crying out loud. women and men can sleep with people if they want, and it shouldn't be a problem.

and then there's this




when I saw this on facebook, I unfriended all three of the guys who liked/posted it.

how about this? real gentlemen don't call women sluts, huh? real gentlemen don't divulge into a woman's sex life unless they are a part of it, and they don't belittle or judge them based on their sex life, or lack of.

so excuse me if I'm not interested in sleeping with you, especially since you're just going to plaster a label on me right after anyways

on relationships and breakups

Note: this is something I wrote about a year ago, after my first relationship went 'kaput'. I thought I'd find it and re-post it here, because, eh, why not.

Okay, yeah, so this topic has been done. And done and done and done; driven into the ground and beaten half to death with power ballads and soft songs of heartbreak left to rot on record players; thrown into the ditch by the wayside; spat upon and dusted with dirt.

And why?

Because they keep happening. And they always will. For as long as the world turns, as long as people make goo-goo eyes at one another and whisper secrets and partake in shiny escapades of pillow-talk just shy of 2am, people will have breakups.

Fall in love, like someone, share a heartbeat and mingled breaths; break hearts.

Not always, mind you; sometimes it works out. But this post isn’t about when it works out. It’s about the opposite, and how bloody unnatural a breakup feels—even if it’s as common as dandelions and Beiber fangirls.

So, I just had my first boyfriend—and, consequently, my first break up, in a period just shy of three months. 

And, I gotta say—feels bad, man, feels bad. And weird. 

Because, if you stop to think about it, what is a relationship? And I don’t mean just the non-platonic kind. Friendship, family, boyfriend/girlfriend, co-worker, sworn enemy, etc, those are all relationships. But what is a relationship?

According to dictionary.com, a relationship is:

noun

1.

a connection, association, or involvement.

2.

connection between persons by blood or marriage.

3.

an emotional or other connection between people: therelationship between teachers and students.

4.

a sexual involvement; affair.

And that’s copy-paste, in case you couldn’t tell (sorry internet). So that’s the dictionary definition. And I’d say the first definition is the most accurate, in terms of general relations. 

But, and this is purely my understanding, I would say a relationship is the act of making someone a part of your life; depending on the seriousness of the connection and type of relationship, you may even arrange aspects of life to accommodate said person into your schedule and available time not already filled with work, school, what have you. You carve this niche into the jigsaw that is your persona, your life, and you make a spot where they fit—if, once again, it’s a large and impacting enough connection. Now, I’d say boyfriend/girlfriend is definitely one of these.

So, anyways, you make this spot for them, they fill it, and life goes on. You have fun, you have some laughs, some cries, some whatever and some amazing moments. You make memories, learn new things, and maybe have some new experiences. You make time for them, they make time for you and, in the case of most non-platonic relationships, you better one another. There aren’t always good times, there’s stuff that’s not so great; you work through it; live and learn.

But, sometimes, things happen that just aren’t fixable; can’t be excused and forgiven, or overlooked. 

And that’s when it happens: the breakup.

And, thinking over my own these last few days, even though the relationship was short, and the ending mostly mutual and more or less a clean break, to me, at least, it seems unnatural and weird.

You expend all this effort to make someone fit into your life, shape things around them, and then they’re just gone. I think that’s partly why it hurts still, even after accepting the fact that it’s done. Because they leave this weird, fitted shape behind that’s just gaping somewhere in your jigsaw puzzle world, and now there’s nothing to fill it. It’s like a train wreck; you can’t look away, even though you know you shouldn’t be staring at it like it’s some new form of life.

Even after you get over the assault of good memories (because they always creep in and try to overtake the bad ones, the reasons you broke up in the first place, sneaky buggers), and get past the idea that you and them will never make new memories, even when you know you’re going to be okay, that it’s obviously notthe end of the world, it’s still there.

That weird gap.

As my friend said (yeah, Tommy, that’s you, holla): ”That’s why it is not proper to go from a break up to a relationship without a break in between. You use the break to fill the gap the best you can. And once you find that one person, they fix the gap properly.”

But it’s still so bloody disorienting, to be honest. Now, I ain’t saying I’m a relationship or people expert; definitely far from it (like, the solar system far). But, remember; there are roughly 6.6 BILLION people on this world. Not every single one is going to fit into that missing spot of the puzzle, but I can guarantee you that, for everyone out there, there’s a few missing pieces floating around, just waiting for the right fit; waiting for you.

So, yeah, relationships are hard, and breakups are uncomfortably painful in oddly internal ways, but I’d say it’s all worth it, right? It’s worth working for that moment; for that connection; for finding the person that just fits.

words about music

so I've reached that point where everything on my ipod results not in head-bopping, hearing pleasure, but eye rolling, a sigh, and skipping of every single song. and thus I realized which albums are my absolute favourite. so I figured I'd share them with the internet, because what does the internet enjoy more than pictures of cats with poor grammar eating cheeseburgers, and insulting memes? music. whether that includes exclamations of 'OMG I LIKE, LOOOOOVE THIS SONNGGGG TOOOO' or 'why would you even listen to this crap, you're like soooo uncultured', the internet definitely enjoys talking about music.

so here we go. or here I go. whatever.

oh, but first:

DISCLAIMER: 
all opinions in this blog post and overall blog are my own, and I do not expect anyone else to have or support my opinions, nor will I tear you down if you do not agree with my views. also if you post hate comments, I will call you a petty little shit, and no fucks will be given, because internet hatred is about as impacting to me as a grasshopper kicking my snow tires. so anyways.

okay, first up

Two Door Cinema Club's album, Beacon



now, I had never heard of this band before. I was on itunes, and, being the cheapass I am, keeping a close eye on the weekly free song downloads. the song Sun was up for grabs. I pressed play, and fell in love. I bought it the album, and fell head over heels with the entire album. among all the song-skipping boredom, this album is something I can listen to for days straight, and still love it.

okay, next up.

Alt-J's An Awesome Wave



it was just shy of 2am. I was wandering through the alternative genre section of the itunes store, and I came across Alt-J. at the first listen, I wasn't a fan, and almost passed over them completely. however, something about their song Tesselate made me click the 'buy' button, and lo and behold, a love affair with this album began. in extension, at least three of my friends are now obsessed with Alt-J, and I'm pretty proud of that. this is Alt-J's debut album, and, for a first release, it's amazing. they have a wonderful, unique sound, and I'm practically foaming at the mouth in excitement for future releases. the song 'Breezeblocks' has to be one of my top favourite songs of all time, and I am forever pissed off at my car speakers for being shitty and butchering the bass line.

and finally, anything by Mother Mother is, of course, amazing. I will forever be ashamed of myself for taking this long to listen to them, because, wow, are they ever fantastic. if you haven't listened to them yet, I definitely recommend you do, and I'll throw some links in at the end of this post, along with the two songs by Alt-J and Two Door Cinema Club mentioned above.

so that's all I've got for you for now. holllaaaa

Sun - Two Door Cinema Club
Breezeblocks - Alt-J
Ghosting - Mother Mother
Let's Fall In Love - Mother Mother
Bit By Bit - Mother Mother

on societal norms in regards to sex and physical intimacy

so I was watching the big bang theory today (the people I'm house-sitting for only have cable, and there was really nothing else on. I was desperate), and there was a scene where one of the main characters is on a date, and the girl says that 'the third date means sex'. Maybe I'm just old-fashioned (I really am), but that sounded like bullshit to me.

so I did some research, and apparently this is, indeed, a thing.

and, man, did it piss me off.

the whole concept that there is a universal standard for when it is proper to become physically intimate with someone completely baffles me. Not to say that having sex on the third date is a bad thing. If both people in the relationship are ready to become intimate with each other by the third date, that's great, have at it. However, the fact that this appears as 'something everyone is doing now', 'the norm', 'the new trend' (as I read in several of the google results that popped up when I typed 'third date rule' into the search bar) concerns me. So what if you have two people who are dating, and they're on the third date, and one of them expects sex because, oh, you know, everyone is doing it, but the other person isn't ready to take that step yet. What then? Then there are mixed signals, and someone is probably going to get hurt, someone is probably going to be disappointed, and it's going to be a gong show? How do you come back from that? "Wanna have sex?" "Uh, no." "...oh." How awkward is that going to be? Props to those who can move beyond that, laugh it off and keep seeing each other, but, I know in my case at least, I would be so uncomfortable, and feel inadvertently pressured to be 'ready' faster than I can get there in the terms of my own comfort zone. It's happened before; it ended my first relationship, and it was just horrible.

the bottom line here is that we should just do away with all these stupid 'dating rules', in my opinion. Toss out the 'third date = sex' idea, and all its variations, and just get to know each other. If you want to have sex before the third date, that's fine; if you want to wait, that's fine, too. Hell, if you never want to have sex, I don't see why that should be a problem either. Society needs to stop coming up with supposed rules that completely disregard the comfort zones of individual people, and the speed with which they become intimate with others; needs to stop shaming people for the speed at which they progress in terms of physical intimacy, or don't progress. Everyone has their own speed. This varies for everyone, so stop making people feel like sluts/prudes because they don't adhere to these supposed 'trends'.